I was thinking about Algiz – about what it means to stay with the pain, to battle with the self, and to trust in progress. It reminded me of this so I will share with you a letter from a friend, received 9 Sept. 2011.
I have decided in the interest of my health and my family to give up writing. I missed the essay deadline and I just need to acknowledge that I am creating my own problems. As far as I can tell I am a control-freak- workaholic – who killed her white blood cell count through floods of stress by taking on too many projects. Remember reading deprivation week? The intention was to get caught up with all the half-finished projects and I couldn’t; there were too many. I am going on a self-imposed artist deprivation. I am no longer a writer. I can’t stand it anymore. I just need everything to be simple.
I did want to record a short vision I had yesterday.
I can see my soul very clearly. It lives in a dark concave space lit by a single hole to a bright moon sky. The cavern is lined with shelves full of bottled emotions. Some, faintly humming, are covered in cobwebs. They are being preserved for the appropriate time when the stars align and the monsters perish and every single piece is safe to be free. That is where my soul lives. My soul is emaciated and with tiny knobby hands it she is furiously canning, preserving, mixing, labeling, clambering on a precarious ladder to still more shelves. She’s living on just the amount of emotion she can lick from her fingers after twisting the lids as tight as she can.
Skinny leg -twist stretch
Wind-sear in my nostrils
Spine scratching air-drafts
Failing to push up enough
To push me up
I wanted bright-words
That last hope,
Answers in tattered finch feathers
It wasn’t supposed to be like disappointment
Enough to shatter bone
And spray ribbon-red confetti
Bursting sausage skin
Soggier than shattered
They said the one who fails at falling
Wakes in the morning
Just to think
I can fix all things
Ok, seriously, that’s the last thing. Keep this because I am just done with all of it. Writer no more!!!!